America’s most frightening domestic threats may soon be neutralized, thanks to a new FBI watch-list that targets people that wear shorts during winter, because seriously, what the hell you guys?
“Due to the current state of national security, it has become increasingly difficult to determine who is dangerous, and who is not,” said FBI Director James Comey. “However, I think it’s obvious to us all that anyone wearing shorts in the dead of winter must be out of their damn minds. Truly, these people could be capable of anything.”
Local psycho and wintertime shorts-wearer Chris Tipton expressed concern that the government surveillance was unfair and discriminatory. Thankfully, he was subdued within moments of expressing these concerns.
Comey also unveiled new watch-lists for people that cut their sandwiches into thirds, people that tuck in their t-shirts, and people that clap when their plane lands, which is just inexplicable, why do people do that?
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Randall Otis 