Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder And Other Reasons I Abandoned My Family!


Jessica Millview recently got in her 2009 Jetta and hit the open road while waving goodbye to her confused husband, Michael Millview, and twin sons, Alex and Calvin. Jessica cited feeling under-appreciated and and complete misreading of the Passenger song, “Let Her Go”, as major contributing factors to her decision to, as she puts it, “straight up bounce”.


“These little shits don’t appreciate all the work I do around here” said Jessica. “So I decided I’ll let em’ sweat a little while this lady right here gets oil massages in Cabo.” Michael Millview says that he and the kids just kind of make awkward small talk since Jessica operated as the sort of buffer-friend for the family. “I can’t even tell these two apart half the time!” whispered Mr. Millview in hushed tones, “Jessica always just kind of did everything, I would always just say ‘Boys, listen to your mother.’”

Jessica was last seen blasting, “You Don’t Know What You Got Until It’s Gone” while ignoring a text from that punk-ass Michael.