What you buy is a reflection of who you are in America, which is why I only purchase mirrors. This age of America, one’s political identity has become more and more central and there are items to reflect that shift. You’ll see Republicans buying toy guns for their kids while Democrats buy toy drones. Mom may buy dad a red tie if it’s a Republican household and Mom may buy mom a blue tie if it’s a Democratic one.
One area of the economy that has yet to be split economically is the gym. Once universally hated by all, the divorce of the U.S.A has reached the weight room. Below are several gyms tailor made for YOU, regardless of who you support politically.
Trump Gym: Make That Ass Great Again
No losers (or Muslims) allowed! This gym will get you strong enough to lift your problems and stack them on the backs of immigrants, women, and minorities. Initially opened as a pop-up shop, this gym has expanded much more than anyone has anticipated. . Enjoy amenities like:
Climbing Wall: Visit our famed climbing wall based on Trump’s border policy. How high is it? No one knows!
Weight Room: Custom, gold-plated weights designed for patrons with tiny, tiny hands
-Climate Change Steam Room: Currently out of order
-Blackout shades to keep out reality
Payment Method: Find a Mexican to pay for it.
Contract Terms: Must be carried to term or there will be consequences.
Clinton Gym: We’re Whatever You Want Us To Be
Feeling disenfranchised by the limited voting options of government? Join the Clinton gym franchise! So many options in one candidate that we don’t even know what we are. Enjoy amenities like:
Flexibility Training: Stretch yourself to as many positions as you possibly can, even if it feels unnatural and extremely uncomfortable.
New Treadmills: Build your endurance as you attempt to run from your past though no matter how hard you try you just can’t seem to get away.
-Complimentary pantsuit dry cleaning.
-Seriously, whatever you want we’ll do it. Please.
Payment Method: Check or cash because our online security isn’t very secure
Contract: Let’s be honest, this is the only real option available.
Bernie Gym: Because You’re Poor
Communally-funded gymnasium, this is a place where you can give 99% effort (that last 1% can go to hell). Young crowd with a lot of passion and opinions who can’t afford Equinox.
Ice Baths: Sometimes your work out just mathematically has to come to an end, no matter how much you enjoyed it. The ice baths are a great place to #FeelTheBernout.
Yoga Studio: It will help you come to terms that all things end and that’s ok.
-Spas are for dirty oligarchs and oil companies. We’ll have none of that here.
Payment Method: Method: Sliding scale based on income
Contract: You must have a American, Sexuality, or Gender Studies degree, septum piercing, and/or a copy of Beyonce’s “Lemonade”
-These gyms will all be obsolete as a giant Chinese-backed gym is being built as we speak.
-Cruz Gym closed due to lack of interest