Interviewer: Hello, welcome to Life Inc. Would you care for a glass of water?
Me: Sure, thanks
Interviewer: What kind would you like?
Brain: Is she talking about brand or source? Let’s go with tap, that shows I’m down to Earth. But what if asking for sparkling shows initiative and ambition? You know what they say, drink for the job you want, not the job you have. Why are there so many options for water? Cavemen didn’t have to deal with this. Sure, their water was filled with worms but at least they didn’t have to choose between Poland Springs, Dasani, Pellegrino, it was all the same: Dirty Brook Water near the bear cave.
Interviewer: Here you go. Sorry it’s a little dirty. We just spilled some coffee in it.
Me: Well that’s kind of gross.
Interviewer: Yeah but I literally cannot run without my coffee. Sure it gets into people’s water and makes the whole office a little smelly and stuffy but hey, what’re you gonna do right?
Me: You could switch to tea…
Interviewer: Ugh, that stuff will never catch on. Plus we get pretty cheap Middle Eastern coffee from our Middle Eastern branch. Sometimes the shipments are withheld so I have to go over and free the coffee myself but it’s worth it.
Me: Ok, I’m just saying it may be more trouble than it’s worth in the long run.
Interviewer: You should be proud you’ve gotten this far in the interview process. You beat out billions of other applicants.
Me: Hehehe, beat out…
Interviewer: What was that?
Me: Oh, nothing.
Interviewer: So what do you know about the company?
Me: Well let’s see. Most if not everyone gets into the corporation through their family, there’s a lot of infighting, no one seems to know exactly who the boss is (though they’ll kill each other over it), and it seems that everyone gets fired in the end.
Interviewer: Good, you have basic knowledge of the company. Now, starting off with a few simple questions. What do you think is your greatest weakness?
Me: Well, I don’t know how to express love to close family and friends and my jump-shot is terrible.
Interviewer: That seems to be a pretty big issue.
Me: Yeah, and being black doesn’t help. Quite honestly, it makes the lack of a jump shot that much worse.
Interviewer: I was referring to expressing love thing. Anyways, moving on. Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Well it seems that some of my friends are beginning their first serious adult relationships, creating a sort of romantic arms race with the rest of my friends as to not be the last one alone and getting, “I’m busy tonight” messages from their other friends who have locked up their own beaus. Think of it like a sort of sexy game of hot potato where the potato is a life as a spinster or creepy bachelor. So I plan on abusing Tinder, Bumble, The League, and, if it gets desperate, real life connections so I’m not the one caught with the potato.
Interviewer: Do you have a backup plan for this plan?
Me: Fun uncle. The only real requirement for fun uncle is basically just being a bad parent: Taco Bell all weekend, playing video games, and pretending that their kids are actually my kids so I can meet girls in the park. That’s more of a 20-year plan. Or just get a dog, both are pretty similar.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest concern about the job?
Me: Honestly, I’m just trying to figure out how racist this place is. I was waiting in the lobby and a lot of the white employees kept calling me “brother”. I wasn’t sure if they were messing with me or if they’re just a big Hulk Hogan fans. Honestly, in light of the recent news neither of those answers are good. Security is also a little aggressive.It seems that whenever one of the darker employees does something wrong the rest of us have to pay for it.
Interviewer: Do you know where you’d like to be based?
Me: The U.S.A section seems nice on paper but I hear they’re undergoing a change in management soon. I’d prefer to stay away until the man with the dead Golden Retriever of a toupee is gone. It also seems a little unfair. There are like five dudes who have 500 sq. ft. offices and everyone else is crammed into the breakroom.
Interviewer: Ah, but you might one day be in one of those corner offices.
Me: I feel like you just tell people that so they’ll work harder for those five other guys.
Interviewer: Moving on, have you had a chance to compare our retirement packages?
Me: I heard that retirement might not even exist, it’s just a way for us to forget how hard this job is.
Interviewer:….
Me:….
Interviewer:…
Me:…
Interviewer: Lastly, do you have any experience?
Me: Sexually?
Interviewer: …Um, no…I was talking about the job.
Me: Oh, ok… it’s just that people usually mean sexually when they say that.
Interviewer: Well, not here.
Me: Aren’t Hindu’s really the only one’s who can claim previous experience? You know, with the whole reincarnation thing? Well I previously worked…are you sure you don’t mean sexually? Cause I saw the way you looked at me when I walked in and I know that I’ve been out of the game for a little bit but, you know, I feel like I can tell when a woman…
Interviewer: I DIDN’T MEAN SEXUALLY!
Me: Ok, got it. So…did I get the job?
Interviewer: I mean yeah, I guess. There’s no other real option for employment around here. Also, I’m not even real, this whole scenario is fake.
Me: Dope.
Interviewer: Except don’t vote for Trump. That shit is real.
Randall Otis 