So, you’ve decided to buy an air mattress (or have been forced to due to economic necessity and/or poor life choices). Fantastic! There is a heavy stigma against air mattresses in our society. Some may say that removal of such stigma is the great civil rights issue of our time and society (these people obviously do not watch the news). I say fuck society: you had $75, a dream, the capacity to travel to your local Walmart, and you deserve respect. Here are a few ways I’ve discovered to look on the bright side of this inflatable investment.
1. Interview Preparation
When employers ask, “where do you see yourself in five years?”, you can passionately answer, “hopefully not on this mother fucking air mattress.” At minimum, you can say you’ll want to have upgraded to a self-inflating air mattress.
2. Be More Competitive on Airbnb
You’ll be the only host on Airbnb who’s accommodations have a “delivery” option.
3. You’ll Ask Yourself the Big Questions
The lady at K-Mart asked if I want a 1 or 2-year warranty on my air mattress. That’s a moment you have to ask, “how much do I believe in myself?”
4. Save Money on Vacations
There’s no need to go to Yellowstone National Park or Appalachian Trail. Having an air mattress is like camping in your own house. Every. Single. Day.
5. Increase Your Productivity
Some people are morning people. Some people are night people. Be ready to be both a morning and a night person because it’ll be impossible to get more than four hours of sleep.
6. Simplify Government Applications
You don’t need to fill out pages and pages of paperwork to apply for foodstamps. Just send a photo of your air mattress lying on the floor in your otherwise bare studio apartment to http://www.whitehouse.gov. Trust me, they’ll understand.
7. Dating
You can say your a gentleman. Tell your potential love interests that you like to take things slow. Mostly because it takes around two hours to inflate your god damn air mattress.
8. Extra Income
You automatically qualify for disability checks because every air mattress comes complimentary with herniated discs.
9. Preparation for Climate Change
Rest assured that you’ll have your own sturdy raft when the seas rise and the only mode of transport is by boat. It’s like having your own Venetian gondola.
Randall Otis 