Who Belongs In This Country

Bill Clinton

Illegal immigration of Mexican immigrants is a contentious issue in the presidential race, with some calling for easier naturalization and others calling for a giant electrified wall, a moat, and a Mexican-eating dragon to patrol the border. A talking point of the candidates is that these immigrants are potentially dangerous and a threat to the States. However, they forget that there are already horrible people living in the United States that are natural-born citizens.

I’ve compiled a short-list to show that it isn’t who’s outside the country but those already inside who we need to worry about.

  • The guy in your office who manages to stink up the bathroom EVERY MORNING
  •  All the people who swiped you left on Tinder
  • All the people who you MATCHED with on Tinder but won’t reply to your message
  • People from Boston
  • Seriously, like, why would you even match and not reply? I didn’t even say anything that weird! Is, “how’s your day?” really that boring of an opener?
  • The inventor of the phrase, “On fleek”
  • Look, I gangstas need love too and it’s just that I’ve been out of the game so maybe some of my lines are rusty. I’m really cool in person, I swear. Just text me back
  • People who try to sell you their mixtape on the street
  • Your awkward Tinder date who doesn’t think Chuck ‘E’ Cheese is an “appropriate” first date spot for a grown man
  • Fuck this app, I hear Bumble is better anyways
  • Donald Trump