Crips and Bloods Forced To Accept Hipsters

It seems Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream has finally come true. Following a recent affirmative action lawsuit for racial discrimination, the infamous Crips and Bloods street gangs have been forced to accept white members. The move has created tension among the gangster community with some calling the legal ruling a form of gentrification. New gang members, consisting mostly of recent liberal arts graduates and those guys that got way too into The Wire, have not had an easy transition into gang life. Several of the new inductees have been killed in gang violence due to wearing the wrong color clothing because, as they claim, “we don’t see color, we just see people.” New recruits are also arrested at much higher rates due to their tendency to post crimes onto social media.

Selfie Stick

“If you don’t Instagram your drive-by, did it really happen?” 

Crip and Blood veterans say that the new generation of members is changing the culture of gangs. Longtime Blood, Boosie McStankButter, longs for the days when you could just, in his words, “kill a mutha fucka” without it being labeled as problematic or having to discuss it on Sunday over mimosas. Local businesses like Calvin’s House, a place where Blood member Calvin “Pandamonium Express” Bigglesworth pretty much just sells crack from his bedroom, are being pushed out by new artisanal, gluten-free crack dispensaries such as Crack Shack. Madelyn Thompson, the owner of Crack Shack, explains that, “millennials just love that retro, 80′s feel of crack. Cocaine is just like, the drug of the oppressors, you know? Also, crack is 10x better for weight loss than juicing.” Even gang attire has been subject to appropriation: after selling out of red and blue bandanas for three weeks straight, Urban Outfitters has started a new Blood-inspired fashion line.

Blood fashion

Red Outfit: $42. Making Daddy Angry? Priceless

Not all changes brought by the new generation of gang bangers has been negative. Police brutality has declined significantly due to the fact that new Crip member, Jake Griffith, has a father who “is, like, a tough ass attorney and it would be a huuuuuuuge mistake to mess with me or my boys, alright bro?” The neighborhoods have also benefitted from increased tax revenue. We attempted to contact the new leader of the Bloods, Eric “Whosyodaddy” Puffins, but he could not be reached at the time as he was taking part of a wine and gun-bedazzling workshop and exploring various 19th century facial hairstyles.