Pope Francis has been touring the United States, making headlines across the nation as he addresses Congress and meets with President Obama. Francis is a revolutionary spiritual leader who’s changing the face of Catholicism and has brought a more liberal stance on issues such as climate change, immigration, poverty, and homosexuality. The pope has a direct line to God, to Jesus himself, that dictates his moral views. However, due to an autocorrect error, Pope Francis has been speaking with Jesús from Austin, TX instead of Jesus of Nazareth. I recently had a chance to sit down with Jesús himself to discuss his influence on Pope Francis.
Jesús, Age 22
Q: Jesus, tell us a little about yourself
A: Well my name is Jesús Riviera. I go to Arizona State University and am a member of Alpha Omega fraternity chapter. I like to party and can pound boxed red wine like no other. I’m currently studying architecture.
Q: How did you originally get into contact with Pope Francis?
A: I was just getting back from my carpentry class and I get a call from a number I don’t recognize. I pick up the phone and say, “Hola, que tal?” and I hear my boy Francis on the line say, “I’ve been searching for your voice and your guidance, Jesus” and I’m like, “It’s pronounced Jesús, but ok”. I think he had the wrong number but I kinda just rolled with it. Like, you don’t correct the pope, dude’s infallible or whatever.
Q: Francis has railed against environmental degradation and capitalism. Did you influence his stance on these issues?
A: Hell yeah, you know it man. It’s hot as fuck at ASU! The ladies love it when I glisten as I throw the frisbee on the quad but this heat got me straight sweating, dog. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Plus, my girl really likes the penguins and polar bears down at the zoo so we need to keep those little things around. Remember the penguins from Madagascar? Happy Feet? March of the Penguins? Man, if Morgan Freeman fucks with penguins then ya boy Jesús is fuckin’ with the penguins, know what I’m saying? And no lie, I’m really bad at playing monopoly so I don’t really fucks with capitalism anymore. I always land on Boardwalk when there are like three hotels, I swear to God.
Q: The Pope’s been known to have a radically more tolerant position on homosexuality, I heard you had a part in that as well?
A: For sure, it’s like whatevers man. My boy Francis ask me like, “yo, I don’t know what to do about the gays”. The day before I was getting high and watching Harold and Kumar with my boys. Damn, that movie’s funny man. Anyway, I found out that Neil Patrick Harris is like gay or whatevers and that dude’s great! I also remember Clay Aiken was gay back in the day on American Idol (I think he’s still gay) and that fucker could sing, dog. I didn’t see Francis on the panel with Simon or Paula Abdul’s fine ass so I said to Francis, like, “hey man, who are you to judge? Leave that shit to the pros, dog”
Q: Lastly, some Republican candidates say you inform their platforms as well. How do you respond to the potentially conflicting messages between them and Francis?
A: Look, I already said I like to party. Sometimes you get a little too turnt, have one to seven more shots than you should, and just start calling people. We all regret our drunk dials. I would hear the stuff they were saying on the phone and agree cause I thought we were all just joking around, you know? Like, who builds a Great Wall of Mexico, that’s fucking crazy man.
Q: Well you’ve certainly shaken things up on the world stage. Do you have any last words or wishes for the world?
A: Look. I like to party. You like to party. We like to party, you know what I’m saying dog? Let’s all just take shots man. And to Jessica: I’m sorry girl, you know I’m not like that. It was just one time; I swear to God.
Randall Otis 